online.therapy.

This has been a really hard week. The b.'s left on tuesday and i've pretty much been crying ever since. I almost hyperventilated right after they left (which i have done before during an asthma attack, so i recognized the signs) and literally had just an hour without tears from the time they left (2:10) until i fell asleep around midnight. Those of you who know me know what a big deal this is- i never cry. Even my mom describes me as stoic. I can honestly say that i've never been this sad before. It feels like i just lost five of the people i love the most in the world. Though obviously they haven't died, there's not much difference right now. I'm alone here cleaning up (literally) things they've left behind. Strangely- that's one thing that's harder than i considered it being. Moving back into the house when things are different sucks. I'm staying on the second floor (i was up on the third before) and little things like putting my shampoo and scale in the bathroom make me so anxious i almost throw up. Part of me wants to power through and unpack all my stuff- thinking that it might be easier if i get it all done sooner. On the other hand, it could be better to take it slow so that i can gradually get used to things being different. I'm also usually great about getting things done- laundry, painting, etc. Now i find my self sitting around doing nothing and letting the laundry (or painting, or unpacking...) pile up. During my slow bouts of unpacking, i'll come across something of theirs and start crying all over again. While it would have been a whole lot worse if they'd sold or rented the house, living with all the memories and expectations isn't so much better. When you break up with someone, you usually can get rid of the things that remind you of them. Not so much in this case. The loneliness factor is another thing that took me by surprise. I'm so lonely now that it just makes me realize how attached i really was to them. Blast. Crying again.
So, the good news is that all this makes me want to step it up a little bit. You know, work out more, get out more...do things to make me happier instead of sitting around moping for the next three years. I'm giving it until labor day, and then no more self pity. I'm up for anything come september, so start planning.