denial.

I've always had a hard time accepting dying and death. Even when it's a fairly certain thing, i still practice denial. Not consciously though. Consciously, i try to prepare myself for the inevitable. I see and hear what's happening, and work at convincing that other part of me that there's a chance, a likelihood, that this person will die. I never quite get to that point though, and when the reality of death smacks me in the face, i feel like something has failed me.
In the past, this has only been a problem. When loved ones have died, i've never quite accepted it, and can't connect my life that they were a part of, to my life that they're not here for. While i'm sure this is something i'll (unfortunately) become more familiar with, i don't know how much easier it will become. What i have found, is that this denial to accept reality can be useful.
I'm loving my two volunteer days at mgh. Loving them. Today in particular was a day i felt like i was so perfect for this job, even just the basic volunteer aspects. I knew that the days of the children i spent time with, along with their parents, were made a little bit easier by my being there. Right before i started my volunteer hours, i was so worried about my ability to spend time with and comfort children who were sick- some terminally. I mentioned my doubts to a., who immediately assured me that i would be fine- that i'd treat these kids just as i'd treat m. or l. or e., like normal kids. That was enough to calm me down and get me in there, and it turned out she was right. I know that most of the kids i've met will be fine. They'll get through their illness, go home, and live normal lives. I also know that some kids will not. They'll suffer through treatment after treatment, and eventually die. Consciously i know this, but luckily, i don't believe it. I still expect some miracle to occur, because no child i know could actually be allowed to die. This denial is what allows me to treat them as normal kids, which is exactly what they want.